5 Reasons Why Couples Therapy Might Not Be Working for You

Written by: Taylor Aiona, LCSW 119182

Love and relationships can feel so incredibly complicated sometimes, don’t they? Most people go into couples therapy thinking, “this is going to fix all our troubles.” Therapy often falls short of this expectation. Many couples wonder why the therapy they hoped would save their relationship isn’t. We’re going to talk sbout 5 reasons why couples therapy might not be working for you. I will talk about real-life scenarios that can help you understand why couples therapy might not be working. Each example I provide is hypothetical and common couple barrier to couples therapy.

My Expectations in Couples Therapy are Different than My Partner

Pretty often I work with couples that have completely different expectations of couples therapy. I want to introduce you to Sarah and James. They are struggling to stay together after 5 years of commitment. Sarah wants the therapist to solve everything overnight, like magic. James is hoping for a quick fix to avoid dealing with uncomfortable feelings. When expectations clash, therapy is not likely to work. These unrealistic and clashing expectations can lead to a lack of safety in the room.

In the beginning of couples therapy, be sure to talk about what you expect in the therapeutic process. Therapy takes time and often things get worse before it gets better. As much as I’d love to be a magician, I’m just a therapist. Therapists are guides, not magicians. Remember building a better relationship takes time and effort.

Trouble with Talking Honestly in Couples Therapy

Communication is very important in any relationship. This is not limited to communication in an intimate relationship. Let’s be real, we can all learn new ways to communicate more effectively. Take Mark and Lydia, for example. They go to therapy, but they don’t really share their true feeling. They’re both feeling fearful of being judged or rejected. It’s so important to be honest about what’s coming up for you in your relationship. This leaves your therapist in the dark and unable to deal with the underlying emotions.

Couples therapy requires open and honest communication. Each couple I work with, I want to feel open to expressing their thoughts and feelings. I recognize we may struggle with fears of being rejected or judged and we need to be able to talk about these for progress. It’s important for your therapist to help create a safe space. But remember, the real work comes from the people in the relationship.

Personal Problems that Haven’t Been Solved Come Up In Couples Therapy

Sometimes, the problems we bring into a relationship can make couples therapy more challenging. Let’s talk about Emma and Mike. They’re in therapy for always fighting. As they talk, it becomes clear that Emma’s past relationship traumas and Mike’s insecurities are causing a lot of trouble. Couples therapy might not work if they don’t deal with these personal issues. It may be necessary to engage in individual therapy while doing couples therapy. It’s important to know that a successful relationship comes from “healthy” individuals. We can be our most healthy after and while we work through our past experiences.

Refusing to Change Behaviors in Couples Therapy

Change can be scary, even when it’s for the better. Some couples don’t want to change, even if it would help them grow. Ryan and Emily go to therapy. Unfortunately, neither put in the effort it takes to change their bad habits. We all have bad habits or aspects to our personalitis that can use adjustments. Without a commitment to change, therapy won’t make much progress.

A therapist can guide couples. Remember that the couple needs to want to change. Recognizing that things need to change and being okay with that is a big step in making couples therapy work.

 

Expecting the Therapist to Do Everything in Couples Therapy 

Sure therapists can be labeled as experts in their field. But they can’t fix a relationship all by themselves. It’s a team effort that needs all people to get involved. Jenna and Alex, for example, have intimacy issue. They go into therapy hoping the therapist will make everything better. They have expectations they won’t need to do much. But therapy doesn’t work if you only sit back and watch.

Couples are requred to actively take part in therapy. Practice the skills that have were discussed in your couples therapy sessions. This means following through with any homework you’ve had assigned. The practice is where the most change can begin. Thinking the therapist will do all the work is a sure way to stop making progress.

Overcoming Barriers to Couples Therapy Being Successful

In the big picture of love and relationships, couple therapy can be a strong tool for fixing problems. Remember the barriers to couples therapy working for you and your partner. I encourage you to discuss this with your partner before making that first appointment.

As we’ve seen with fictional couplesl the key to successful couple therapy is getting involved. We need to be willing to be honest and ready to make changes. It’s a journey that both people need to be a part of.

So, if you’re wondering why couple therapy isn’t helping, take a moment to think about these common issues. Remember, the therapist is there to guide you, but the real journey is one you take together. Embrace the process, talk openly, and be ready to face the challenges. Only then can you unlock the real power of couple therapy and build a stronger, better bond.

 

Improve Your Relationship through Couples Therapy in Temecula and California. 

Our therapists are experts in assisting you and your partner in couples therapy. We will equip you with practical tools that can increase your connection and bond. Give us a call today or fill out our online appointment request.