Written By: Leslie Adams, AMFT #120800
Hello, lovebirds and those navigating the maze of relationships! As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I’m here to address and debunk some of the wild misconceptions about couples therapy. We all might have some preconceived notions about therapy in general. Couples therapy has inaccurate beliefs that can get in the way of people getting started. Let’s examine some of these untruths, add to our understanding and insight, and uncover the real truth behind the myths. It’s time to set the record straight and reassure you that couples therapy isn’t a waste of time and money. It is more like an investment in your relationship’s success!
Myth 1: Only Couples on the Verge of Divorce Need Couples Therapy
Truth: False alarm! Couples therapy isn’t a last resort; it’s a proactive tool for enhancing relationships. Many couples benefit from pre-marital counseling. It is true that couples therapy can even provide support for couples choosing to divorce. At that time, couples need to figure out how to communicate as co-parents. But also, I have even heard of business partners using couples therapy! In truth, many relationships that are struggling could potentially benefit from couples therapy. Research shows that seeking therapy earlier, rather than later, can lead to better outcomes in a relationship. It’s like taking your car for regular check-ups to prevent a breakdown. You don’t want to drive hundreds of miles with the check engine light on and wait for the motor to die.
Myth 2: Therapists Just Sit There; They Don’t Offer Solutions 
Truth: While at times it’s useful for us to sit back and observe what the couple brings in, we aren’t just sitting there! Therapists connect with a couple and work to help them build strong foundations. Therapists provide tools and strategies for effective communication and conflict resolution. These tools help re-establish trust, commitment, and positivity. Therapists aren’t there to tell you to break up or stay together, or how to live your lives. What therapists DO is help you figure out what you want as a couple, and how to get it in ways that are authentic to you.
Myth 3: Couples Therapy is All About Digging up Past Wounds
Truth: There is some value in acknowledging our past and how it affects us currently. While exploring the past can be part of the process, it’s not a never-ending archaeological dig. Couples therapy is forward-focused. Therapy helps you understand patterns, improve communication, and build a brighter future. Many times in couples therapy, we have to acknowledge the past has occurred and cannot be changed. Then focus on what we are committed to building in the present and for our future. Research has highlighted the importance of creating shared meaning and fostering positive interactions. This creates more satisfying and successful relationships.
Myth 4: Couples Therapists Take Sides and Assign Blame 
Truth: We’re not here to referee at a blame game! Often people enter couples therapy thinking they are about to be 100% validated and their partner is going to hear how they are wrong. This is not how it goes down. Therapists are impartial guides navigating the relationship landscape. I always remind my couples that there are two participants and each plays a role in maintaining unhelpful patterns, or in working to change. Research underscores the need for understanding each partner’s perspective without assigning blame. It’s about fostering empathy, not pointing fingers. Finger pointing and blame only leads to defensivenes. Defensiveness will get us nowhere in our relationship and in couples therapy. Instead, I ask each person to focus on what they are bringing in, and what they are willing to do about it.
Myth 5: Therapy Should Be a Quick Fix – One or Two Sessions and You’re Done
Truth: If only relationships came with a magic wand! As a therapist, I can’t predict an exact timetable or outcome for therapy. Success varies from couple to couple for so many reasons. What I can tell you is that real lasting change takes time. Long-term success in couples therapy requires commitment and ongoing effort. It’s a journey, not a pitstop.
Myth 6: Therapists Have All the Answers and Tell You What to Do
Truth: We’re not relationship dictators! Therapists guide exploration, teach skills, and make suggestions. They don’t make your decisions for you- that’s up to you! A therapist will focus on collaboration. A therapist will help couples co-create solutions that work for them based on their own specific needs, values, and beliefs. It’s about empowering you to be the architects of your relationship.
Myth 7: Only “Crazy” or “Weak” People Go to Therapy
Truth: Let’s toss that old stigma out the window! Struggling doesn’t make you “crazy.” Many of us weren’t raised with the tools we need to thrive, and it’s ok to seek support from a professional. Seeking therapy, asking for help when it’s needed, and using a growth mindset are all signs of strength, not weakness. Successful couples actively invest in their relationships. Investing in therapy is like going to the gym for your relationship muscles – a workout for a healthy and robust connection.
There you have it – the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth about couples therapy. Don’t listen to all those things you’ve heard. It’s time for you to decide for yourself if couples therapy is something you and your partner want to invest in.
Remember, seeking therapy is not a sign of failure. It’s a proactive step towards a more successful, positive, and satisfying relationship. So, whether you’re a new couple struggling, an established couple hitting a speed bump, a couple on the brink of separation or divorce, or just a couple of people wanting to relate better, couples therapy is there to help. Let’s redefine couples therapy as the worthy investment your relationship deserves.
