Written By: Taylor Aiona, LCSW 118192
I have seen this become a huge topic of discussion on social media. I see the word gaslighting being thrown around and mixed with lies and manipulation. But what does gaslighting truly entail? How can you tell between deceit or manipulation and true gaslighting? Let’s talk about what gaslighting is and where it came from. I’m going to give you some examples to help you identify what you’re experiencing. I hope this will empower you to make choices that are for your mental well-being.
The big question: What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a strategy used in abusive relationships. It is an intentional psychological tactic that is emotionally abusive. The keyword is intentional. It is a sneaky way people mess with your head by making you question what’s real. The idea came from a movie in 1944 called “Gaslight.” In the movie, a husband messes with his wife’s mind to make her think she’s going crazy. He asserted his dominance and control by insisting she hadn’t seen, heard, or experienced the things she had. This goal is for this to eventually make someone question whether their mind is the problem.
Gaslighting by Manipulating Reality
Gaslighters excel at manipulating small elements of your reality. This causes you to doubt your own memory and judgment. Consider a situation where your friend denies borrowing money, even though you know you lent it to them. If someone is attempting to gaslight you, they may say, “I would never ask you for money.” They may also say, “Are you sure you don’t just think you gave me money?”
Another example is when a partner insists an argument never happened or that they never said hurtful words. This leaves you questioning your own recollection of events. Now this is where it gets tricky. I’ve been in a position where I was convinced I didn’t tell my partner sometime in an argument. In the heat of a conflict, our frontal lobe is offline and I’m physically flooded. I likely don’t have the best memory about what I have said. Does this mean I’m attempting to gaslight him? No it does not. This can happen to any of us not seeking to be in control of another person.
Gaslighting by Emotional Manipulation
Gaslighters wield emotions as a powerful tool for manipulation. They may downplay your feelings, dismiss your concerns, or label you as overly sensitive. This emotional manipulation leaves you feeling isolated. You begin to questionthe validity of your emotional responses.
Picture a scenario where your partner consistently brushes off your concerns. They make statements like, “You’re overreacting” or “You’re too emotional.” This not only minimizes your emotions but also undermines your ability to trust your feelings.
What Is NOT Gaslighting?
Distinguishing genuine misunderstandings and disagreements from gaslighting is crucial. Here are scenarios often mistaken for gaslighting but are, in fact, different:
Honest Disagreements are Not Gaslighting
In healthy relationships, differing opinions and disagreements are going to happen. Gaslighting involves intentional manipulation, while honest disagreements stem from genuine differences in perspectives. A co-worker questioning your project approach or a friend having a different view on a movie doesn’t equate to gaslighting.
Forgetfulness is Not Gaslighting
Humans are prone to forgetfulness. If someone genuinely doesn’t remember a detail or event, it doesn’t constitute gaslighting. Remember back to the example I stated earlier, due to being flooded I forgot what I had said that was hurtful. Gaslighting is a deliberate act of manipulation, not a byproduct of accidental memory lapses.
Miscommunication is Not Gaslighting
Misunderstandings due to miscommunication are common and don’t necessarily show gaslighting. If someone seems to be contradicting your version of events, it may be a lack of shared understanding. It can also be a difference in perspective. This is something that can be clarified through open communication.
Identifying if I’m Being Gaslit
Recognizing gaslighting requires a keen awareness of signs. Let’s not forget that gaslighting takes time with frequent behaviors and manipulations. Here are indicators that you might be experiencing gaslighting:
Doubting Your Memory Often
Gaslighters often challenge your memory by insisting you remember events incorrectly. Phrases like “I never said that” or “You must be confused; that never happened” can be a cause of concern. If you find someone consistently questioning your recollection, check it out. It’s okay to examine those situation closer.
Feeling Confused or Uncertain
Gaslighting leaves you feeling confused and uncertain about your own judgment. Statements such as “You’re imagining things” or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing” are designed to instill doubt. You’ve been hearing this from someone in your life often. Now you frequently second-guess your thoughts or emotions. This may be a sign of manipulation that requires a closer look.
Isolation from Support Systems
This is a HUGE sign of abuse. Abusive individuals that engage in gaslighting, often try to isolate you from friends and family. These people could offer support and they want to limit your support. Be cautious if someone discourages your relationships with others. Also, if they create distance between you and your support system.
Constant Criticism and Undermining
People who seek to gaslight you, use a steady stream of criticism to erode self-esteem. Subtle put-downs, sarcastic remarks, or questioning your abilities are common. Phrases like “You’re always so sensitive” or “I don’t know why anyone would listen to you” can be their way of manipulation.
Projection of Blame
People who engage in abusive behaviors deflect responsibility by blaming others. If someone consistently shifts blame onto you or exaggerates your mistakes, may be trying to manipulate you. Phrases like “You made me do this” or “You’re the reason everything is falling apart” are warning signs.
A healthy relationship requires mutual respect, open communication, and a foundation of trust. Understanding gaslighting is crucial for navigating healthy relationships. By recognizing the signs of manipulation, you can empower yourself to trust your instincts. If you suspect you’re being abused seek support from trusted friends and family. Clinicians at Outside the Norm Counseling are equipped with tools to support you in your healing journey.