I’m sure I can speak for most people when I say, an argument is probably the most undesirable way to communicate. It’s a giant word battle of who is the loudest partner in the room and who can get the last word. Arguments hardly ever end well and are the result of a culmination of pain, disappointment and insecurities. It’s hard to be accepting of the opinion of someone when we are super angry! The worst is when the argument goes unresolved because perhaps the subject of the argument is too painful to rehash or too personal to delve into.
How to emotionally regulate?
Many arguments can be avoided if we learn to regulate. Regulation could look like taking a break in the middle of a discussion, doing a body scan, and learning to table the conversation for a different day.
Taking a break
A break can be a 5 minute walk, alone time, going for a drive on your own and listening to a song that you love or simply taking some deep breaths before saying anything else. Initiating a break could include the use of a code word that the couple could agree on and use it when things are getting heated. The use of a code word could also minimize the likelihood of someone saying something like “Shut up,” “Get away from me,” and “I’m pissed and need space.” All of those phrases could perpetuate the feelings of hurt and even trigger other insecurities.
Body Scan
A body scan is a very effective way to regulate our bodies and in turn regulate our emotions. If you’re like me, I find that my face starts to get hot and my body starts to stiffen when I begin to get angry. The unfortunate part is that by the time I realize I am getting to my boiling point, it’s too late. Scanning the build up of anger in your body can prevent an argument from getting really bad. It could help you stay calm and collected and less likely to flail your arms around in anger which could make you look like you’re about to turn into the Hulk!
Table the conversation
This step is what most couples want to be able to get to. Ideally, it would be wonderful to be able to stop ourselves, apologize, say “I love you,” and let’s talk about this later in the middle of an argument. This is most likely not going to happen at that state, This step needs to be considered individually and implemented together. This step requires a level of self-awareness and consideration of the individual’s insecurities and partner’s insecurities. Is the topic you want to bring up appropriate for the time and day? Will the topic lead to an argument because it involves highlighting what the other partner did wrong? Am I bringing this up because I am angry and have not yet figured out the actual issue? All of these questions should be asked before we bring something to the attention of our partner. We as individuals have the ability to present an issue in a considerate and rational manner that will minimize an emotional reaction.
