Do I Really Need Boundaries?
Written By: Taylor Aiona, LCSW 118192
As a therapist, I often reflect on the intricacies of relationships with my clients. Those intricacies may differ from family, friends, and romantic relationships. And many clients will ask me the question on the title of his blog. Do I really need boundaries? The short answer is, YES! I cannot emphasize enough the important role that boundaries play in fostering healthy connections. Now that I gave you the short answer, let’s go into the long answer to why boundaries are crucial. Then we will talk about signs that you need to increase your boundaries.
Boundaries Provide Respect and Autonomy
Boundaries form the cornerstone of mutual respect and autonomy in relationships. They establish a framework that acknowledges and honors individual needs and limits. I like to describe it this way, boundaries create space in the room for both you and me. This helps define where one person ends and another begins. Boundaries create a space where both parties feel valued and understood. Without boundaries, relationships risk becoming a full of intense emotions and unmet expectations.
Boundaries are a Path to Effective Communication
Clear boundaries help create open and honest communication. When you are aware of their own boundaries and feel secure in expressing them, it helps us have conversations. This helps in resolving conflicts, addressing concerns, and building a foundation of trust. If we don’t have boundaries things get way too cloudy.
Safeguard Your Emotional Well-Being with Boundaries
Establishing and maintaining boundaries is crucial for emotional well-being. It prevents emotional exhaustion and burnout. Boundaries ensure that you are not overwhelmed by the needs and emotions of others. Healthy emotional boundaries create a space for self-care and individual growth. Without these boundaries, emotional burdens may become unmanageable. This can impact your mental health and the overall dynamics of relationships.
Boundaries Assist in Establishing Accountability
Clear boundaries establish a sense of accountability within relationships. They provide a framework for understanding expectations and responsibilities. This can help prevent misunderstandings and unnecessary conflicts. Others need to be aware of and respect each other’s boundaries. This contributes to a sense of responsibility for one’s actions. Each person is then accountable to the relationship dynamic.
Signs I Need to Set Boundaries
I explore boundaries with clients is with the terms CARE versus CARRYING. We want to care about others in our relationships. Why wouldn’t we? When we have connections with others, we care about them. If we don’t, we wouldn’t have any relationship with them. Many move past caring and into carrying. This is when we are not setting enough boundaries.
8 Signs You Are Carrying Your Relationships
1. You feel responsible for the outcome.
2. You’re accountable for a solution.
3. You are fully in control of a situation, even if you weren’t asked.
4. You are micro managing.
5. You go straight to problem solving
6. You take the lead often.
7. You lead by rules and expectations.
8. You feel the need to immediately rescue others from their pain.
Let’s look at this example:
You and your partner plan a surprise dinner for their parents. As the day approaches, your partner starts feeling anxious about how things will go. Maybe they have told you their anxious or maybe you’ve noticed a change in mood. In response, you want to do everything to make sure it goes perfectly. You decide to design a strict schedule for the evening. You take full control by orchestrating every detail, from the menu to the seating. You haven’t asked your partner for any feedback. You scrutinize every element and make adjustments according to your vision.
The night has come and you find yourself enforcing unspoken rules and expectations. Any sign of deviation from the plan and you immediately address issues. The need to rescue the evening from any potential discomfort becomes a driving force. It must be perfect for my partner because they were worried about it.
Your intentions are rooted in creating a perfect evening. But you’ve taken full control of the plan due to protecting your partner from distress. Your partner ends up upset with you at the end of the night and their family feels overwhelmed. You’re also left feeling frustrated and unappreciated.
Do you think they did anything wrong?
What should they have done?
Does this example sound like something you would do?
I Need Help With Boundaries
You are not alone! Boundaries are difficult to balance especially if we were not taught them. Many of us came from families where boundaries didn’t exist. Or boundaries were spoken about as being walls or barriers to trust and connection.
Our office is located in Temecula, California. We can support you in increasing your boundaries or finding them! Many of our clients don’t know their boundaries before we begin our work together. We also can provide virtual services to anyone in the state of California. We have clinicians that are also licensed to provide virtual services in other states. Reach out to us and we can provide you with those details. We want to help you set boundaries and decreasing how much you’re carrying!
