By Leslie Adams, AMFT #120800
Hey! Welcome back! I’ve been noticing a common issue with couples I work with and wanted to explore it with you today. This is something that affects many couples at some point in their journey together. It can derail the therapeutic progress in couples counseling. What is it? It’s getting stuck in the blame game. You know what I mean, right? Those moments when every conversation seems to turn into a battleground. You end up pointing fingers instead of finding solutions. It’s tough, and it can really put a strain on your relationship.

As a marriage and family therapist, I’ve seen this pattern play out often. It’s like a vicious cycle that’s hard to break free from. But here’s the thing: it’s not impossible. With some awareness, effort, and the right tools, you and your partner can stop the blame game. Then you can begin rebuilding your connection.
So, why does this pattern of blame and struggle happen in the first place? Well, there are a few reasons. Sometimes, it’s because both partners are feeling hurt or misunderstood. Then they end up lashing out at each other as a way to protect themselves. Feeling unheard is a common complaint in struggling relationships. When communication breaks down, instead of listening to each other, people get caught up in trying to prove who’s right and who’s wrong. This leads to defensiveness and no longer being able to work as a team. We see the other person as the problem, instead of being able to work together to solve the problem.
Whatever the reason, the result is the same: a lot of hurt feelings and not much progress. We find ourselves in a divide that continues to grow, and we feel so stuck. But here’s the good news: you can change that. It starts with recognizing the pattern and making a personal commitment to do things differently.
The First Step of Breaking the Cycle
Take a step back and try to understand what’s really going on beneath the surface. This requires that each partner focus on their participation in it. Ask yourself, “What am I really feeling right now? What do I need from my partner?” And encourage your partner to do the same. Each partner has to be responsible for keeping their side of the street clean. And stop policing their partner. When you can both approach the situation with empathy and curiosity you’re on the right track.

The Second Step of Breaking the Cycle
Learn how to regulate your emotions. When you’re caught up in the heat of the moment, it’s easy to let your emotions get the best of you. I can guarantee you that reacting impulsively will make things worse. So, take a deep breath, count to ten, do whatever you need to do to calm yourself down before responding. You might need to take a break, walk away, meditate. The more space you can put between the triggering event and your response, the better.
Self-regulation is all about being able to manage your emotions in a healthy way. Even when things get tough. It’s about recognizing when you’re starting to feel overwhelmed and knowing how to bring yourself back to center. And the great thing is, it’s a skill that anyone can learn with practice. Not sure what to do?
5 Tried and True Tips to Stop the Blame Game
Identify and Label Your Emotions
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The first step in managing difficult emotions is to identify and label what you’re feeling. Sometimes emotions can feel overwhelming because we’re not sure exactly what we’re experiencing. Take a moment to pause and tune into your body and mind. Are you feeling angry, sad, anxious, or something else? Naming your emotions can help you gain clarity and understand what’s driving your reactions.
Practice Self-Compassion 

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Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, especially when you’re experiencing difficult emotions. Instead of criticizing yourself for feeling a certain way, acknowledge that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Offer yourself words of comfort and reassurance, as you would to a friend in need. Remember that experiencing difficult emotions is a normal part of being human, and you’re not alone in your struggles.

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Develop healthy coping strategies to help you deal with difficult emotions when they arise. This could include activities like going for a walk, journaling, listening to music, practicing mindfulness or deep breathing exercises. Engage in a hobby or creative outlet. Find activities that help you relax, unwind, and take your mind off your worries. Experiment with different coping strategies to see what works best for you.
Seek Support
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Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, family members, or a therapist for support. Many of us struggle with difficult emotions. Talking to someone you trust about what you’re going through can help you feel heard, understood, and validated. They may offer a fresh perspective or provide you with helpful advice and encouragement. Remember, you don’t have to go through tough times alone.
Practice Emotional Regulation Techniques
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Learn techniques to regulate your emotions and manage their intensity. This could include techniques like mindfulness meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, visualization, or cognitive restructuring. These techniques can help you become more aware of your emotions. It can you regulate your physiological responses, and challenge negative thought patterns. These all that contribute to emotional distress.
But breaking the cycle of blame and struggle isn’t just about managing your own emotions. It’s also about learning how to communicate more effectively with your partner. That means really listening to what they have to say, even if you don’t agree with it. It means expressing your own thoughts and feelings in a way that’s respectful and constructive. And it means being willing to compromise and find solutions that work for both of you.
If you find yourself stuck in the blame game, don’t lose hope. Remember that it takes two! Working together with patience, compassion, and a little bit of hard work, you can break free from the cycle. Then you may rediscover the connection that brought you together in the first place. If you’re struggling to break free from the blame game and rebuild your connection, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. A qualified therapist can provide you with the support and guidance you need. You’re not alone, and there’s always hope for a brighter tomorrow. So take a deep breath, hold each other tight, and keep moving forward together. You’ve got this.