Help! I Feel Alone in My Marriage
By Leslie Adams, AMFT #120800
I believe many people go into a marriage expecting to go dance off into the sunset to live happily ever after. Well, at a certain point, many people get a reality check and learn that it doesn’t work out that way. After time, things can change. Sometimes, it feels like you’re dancing the tango while your partner is doing the cha-cha. Maybe you envisioned feeling like Baby at the end of Dirty Dancing doing the lift. But instead you feel like your partner dropped you. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I’ve seen many challenging, one-sided marriages. The good news is that there’s always hope for a comeback. Today I want to talk about the imbalanced relationship. I will what might be going on in the mind of the less-engaged partner. I will share some therapist-approved tips on how to rebalance your partnership.
Why is My Spouse Being Silent in Our Marriage?
Let’s take a moment to understand what might be going on in the mind of the partner who appears to be less invested. It is usually easy to spot the person who has withdrawn from the relationship. We’re convinced they’ve checked out. They may avoid talking and spending time with you. They stay silent and then BAM an explosion at times. It can be so confusing and lonely. What gives?
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Life has gotten overwhelming to my spouse.
Your partner might be stressing over an overwhelming amount of responsibilities. When we get busy and life is crazy, relationships often fall by the wayside.
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There are unspoken expectations in our relationship.
One partner may feel like they’re doing all the right things, but the other half isn’t doing anything! How does this happen? Unspoken expectations. We are all guilty of wanting things from our partner and expecting them to just know. I know I’m guilty of this! I haven’t said something out loud and I think he knows. This can lead to frustration and resentment. This may begin a disconnect that will continue to deepen if not addressed.
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We were never taught how to be vulnerable with others.
Opening up and expressing emotions can be scary and super uncomfortable for a lot of people. This is something as a clinician I work with most of my clients on. This can happen when the family they grew up in never talked openly about feelings. Many people learn that feelings and vulnerability are a weakness. Your partner might be hesitant to reveal their true feelings or fears. This leaves them with a poker face while they’re struggling internally. Often this feels like a rejection.
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There is a huge communication breakdown in our marriage.
Marriage requires constant and effective communication. If the lines are crossed or blurred, your partner might feel out of sync. This leads to a reluctance to engage in communication. If you feel that you aren’t being heard, after a while you start to back away.
Therapist-Approved Tips for the Distancer in the Marriage
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Open the lines of communication as much as you can.
Begin your share with a soft start up. This means we don’t lead with a complaint. Lead with the focus being on your feelings and concerns. Be mindful of your body language and tone. Use “I” statements to express your emotions without blaming your partner.
What would that look like?
Rather than saying, “You’re always looking at your phone, why don’t you talk to me?!” Try this, “I feel lonely in our relationship when we are sit without talking. I’d love to understand how you’re feeling.”
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Set realistic expectations with your spouse
Understand that change takes time. Sometimes things get worse before they get better. Setting unrealistic expectations can lead to frustration. You might have some ideas about what would help, but it doesn’t mean that you both can just decide to start doing it and be great.
Think of it this way:
An infant learns how to walk for the first time and stumbles. While they’re continuing to walk they fall and run into things, often. Remind yourself that you’re in the infant or toddler stages of learning new skills. We wouldn’t yell at a toddler for not walking perfectly in the beginning. Don’t do that to yourself or our spouse.
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Express vulnerability in your marriage to feel connected
Lead with your own vulnerability by sharing your fears and concerns. This creates a safe space that encourages your partner to open up as well. 
Can you give me an example?
You share what your spouse, “I’ve been feeling insecure with us lately. Can you reassure me that you love me by telling me you do and giving me a hug?”
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Prioritize quality time with your spouse
In the chaos of the day to day, quality time can get lost in the shuffle. Schedule regular moments for connection.
Do we have to put in a large amount of effort to do that?
Not at all! This could include a date night, a weekend getaway, or a quiet evening at home after the kids are in bed.
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Express appreciation for your spouse’s efforts.
Remind your partner of the things you appreciate about them. Notice and thank them or compliment them often. Even the little things add up to a lot. Feeling valued can motivate them to reciprocate and re-engage in the dance.
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Revisit goals we created as a couple.
Reconnect by revisiting your shared goals and dreams. Sit and reflect on the dreams you have achieved. Then explore what would you like to add to your life together. Reminding yourselves of the bigger picture can reignite the sense of partnership.
We’ve Tried Everything and Nothing Works! What Do We Do Now?
Sometimes, we need extra support to be successful. If you’re in California or the Temecula area, our therapists can help you and your spouse feel more balanced. A therapist can help you navigate through challenges and learn new skills. Not only will you learn those, you will gain a better understanding of your spouse. You will increase the connection between you two in a way that helps you actually apply the skills you learn. Don’t wait! Reach out now while you’ve identified it’s a priority to you. We are here to help!
