How do I Set Boundaries with Family Over the Holidays?
Written by: Taylor Aiona, LCSW 119182
We’re back to the holiday season! I love the holiday spirit. Although, by December 26th I am ready to mute all the Christmas music until next year. I truly enjoy the focus on time with family and giving to others. But let’s also be real, it’s supposed to be that time for joy and togetherness. However, for many of us, the reality can be a bit more complicated. Navigating family dynamics can be incredibly stressful for many! Setting boundaries with family during the holidays is crucial for maintaining your sanity. They can help de-stress the holiday time. Let’s talk about how we can establish and communicate boundaries with family.
Why are Boundaries Even Important During the Holidays?
For many of us, getting around our families can bring on quite a bit of stress and tension. Each member of the family comes with their own expectations or preferences. If everyone differs we’re going to be ALL over the place trying to meet everyone’s needs. This makes it essential to establish clear boundaries to maintain a healthy balance.
What is most important to me during the holidays?
The first step in setting boundaries is understanding your own needs and limits. Reflect on what aspects of the holidays are most important to you and what might cause stress. Are you an introvert who needs some alone time to recharge? Or do you prefer a quiet celebration over a loud party? Knowing your own priorities will help you communicate your boundaries.
Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly and Early
The key here is clarity and timing. Let’s not beat around the bush either. We want to try to be as direct as possible, while being kind. Don’t drop bombshells on the day of the big family dinner. Discuss your boundaries well in advance. It’s important to be as specific as you can about what you need.
Example: Christmas morning has always been special to me, a time I cherish for its calm. This year, I’d love to adjust our schedule slightly to make room for a quieter start. Can we can consider a later breakfast or present opening?
Choose the Right Setting to Discuss Holiday Boundaries
Timing and setting does matter when it comes to discussing boundaries. Try for a calm and private environment where everyone can focus on the conversation without distractions. Don’t bring up concerns at the dinner table. Find a moment when everyone can sit down and have an open discussion. This includes a phone call if we have distance.
Setting Boundaries with the Pressure to Meet Holiday Traditions
The holidays often come with a set of traditions that we may have cherished in the past. However, not all traditions may align with your current preferences. This is okay! We change over time. Setting boundaries around family traditions requires a delicate balance of compromise and communication.
Identify Traditions that Take High PriorityNot all traditions are created equal. Identify the ones that hold the most significance for you and your family. By prioritizing, you can focus on maintaining the traditions that truly matter. After, you can be open to adjustments in others.
Be Open to Compromise
Family traditions often involve compromise. If there’s a particular tradition that clashes with your preferences, discuss it with your family. Look for compromises that respects each other’s needs.
Example: A big holiday party is a tradition. You have been hosting it every year but you’re starting to resent it. Explore with your family a smaller gathering or alternate years for hosting duties.
Introduce New Traditions
Setting boundaries may mean creating new traditions. These new traditions better suit your family’s current dynamics. Propose alternatives that align with your preferences. Do your best to involve everyone in the decision-making process. This way, you’re not just saying no to certain traditions. You’re actively contributing to the creation of new, meaningful ones. Unless what you want to do is just say no! No judgement here.
Managing Expectations of the Holiday
Expectations can be a significant source of holiday stress. Managing our expectations can be relieving. We can attempt to manage the expectations of our family’s as well with our boundaries.
Be Realistic in Your Holiday ExpecationsSet realistic expectations for yourself and your family. Understand that not everything will go perfectly, and that’s okay. By acknowledging potential challenges, you’ll be better equipped to handle them when they arise.
Example: Not all family members might make it to the holiday dinner due to conflicting schedules. Instead of stressing or feeling down over the attendance, you enjoy the present.
Learn to Say No to Family During the Holidays
One of the most powerful tools in setting boundaries is the ability to say no. Whether it’s declining an invitation to an event or refusing an extra holiday responsibility. Saying no is a way of prioritizing your well-being. So many of us struggle with this when it comes to our family! Remember, saying no doesn’t mean you don’t care—it means you’re taking care of yourself.
Dealing with Family Dynamics During the Holidays
Family dynamics can be complex, and sometimes setting boundaries involves navigating delicate relationships. Who knows what could come up with family during the holidays. Let’s look at some possibilities.
Address Difficult Topics with Sensitivity
If there are specific topics or issues that tend to cause tension within your family, approach them with sensitivity. Instead of avoiding the conversation altogether, express your concerns in a considerate manner. Use “I” statements to communicate your feelings without placing blame on others. We may need to wait to address topics until a later time.
Example: There is conflict between siblings over the caregiving responsibilities for aging parents. Bringing up this issue during the holidays could be sensitive. Might be appropriate to wait until after the holiday festivities.
Create Space for Personal Time During the Holidays
Spending extended periods with family can be overwhelming. It’s essential to carve out time for personal space. Especially if you’re staying in close quarters. Whether it’s a short walk, going to bed early, or some quiet time with a book, having moments of solitude can help you recharge.
Set Boundaries on Gift Exchanges
Gift-giving can be a source of both joy and stress. Elaborate gift exchanges are causing financial strain or anxiety. Discuss setting limits on spending with family. Consider alternative gift-giving approaches, such as a Secret Santa or homemade gifts.
I’m feeling so stressed about spending time with my family this holiday season. Help!
If you’re in California or the Temecula area we can support you through this time! Holidays can be a lot! Our therapists are equipped and ready to help you feel more confident in your holiday plans. Give us a call or schedule your appointment online.
