Written by: Taylor Aiona, LCSW 11819
Are you the kind of person who always says yes, even when you mean no? Do you find it hard to speak your mind or assert your boundaries? If so, you might be a people-pleaser, and trust me, you’re not alone! People-pleasing behaviors are so common! They can be a real buzzkill when it comes to being authentic to yourself. We’re going to explore how to break free from trap of saying “yes” even when you want to say “no”. Let’s get started!
The Fear of Rejection for People Pleasers
The fear of rejection is often behind many people-pleasing behaviors. People like Joe are so terrified of others rejecting them or being disliked. This leads to Joe going to great lengths to avoid it. Joe can’t get himself to say no to invitation because he doesn’t want to disappoitnt them. He also struggles to disagree with anyone, even when it means going against his own values. He’d rather swallow his true feelings than risk someone saying, “I don’t like you.”
The Pressure to Say “Yes” for People Pleasers
Imagine this: You’re at a party, and the you someone offers you a shot of homemade, spicy tequila. You think to yourself, “I HATE tequila! And I hate spicy things!” But you can’t say no because the pressure to say yes is intense! You take the shot and pretend to enjoy it while your mouth and throat scream for mercy!We’ve all been there. But let’s talk about that internal pressure to say “yes.” It’s like having an autopilot mode that’s set to “Yes,” regardless of the consequences. No one wants to be the party pooper, but sometimes saying “no” is the best choice for you.
The Expectation of Sacrifice for People Pleasers
Meet Sarah, the queen of self-sacrifice. She’ll gladly skip her lunch break to help a colleague. She will work late without complaining. She will put her needs on the back burner to ensure everyone else is comfortable. We all now someone like this and wonder, “How does she do it?” But here’s the kicker: Sarah likely isn’t doing it out of pure altruism. She learned growing up that she’s required to sacrifice her needs for others. This shows that she’s a “good person”. If she doesn’t, she may question whether she’s worthy.
The Art of Diplomacy vs. People-Pleasing 
Can I be diplomatic without resorting to people pleasing?
Diplomacy and people-pleasing may seem similar at first glance, but they’re fundamentally different. Here is how:
Diplomacy involves finding common ground and mutually beneficial solutions, often requiring assertiveness. Diplomacy allows you to maintain healthy relationships and resolve conflicts without compromising your values. On the other hand, people-pleasing is all about avoiding conflict at any cost, often at the expense of your own needs and boundaries. It can lead to feeling drained, resentful, and inauthentic.
Let’s compare Jane and Mark, two colleagues with opposing approaches:
Jane is diplomatic: She respectfully shares her opinion during a team meeting. She shares even if her opinion differs from the majority. She offers alternative solutions, seeks consensus, and maintains her integrity.
Mark is a people-pleaser: He stays silent during the meeting. He is afraid of rocking the boat or upsetting anyone. He goes along with the group’s decision, even though he disagrees and believes it’s not the best choice.
When Perfectionism Leads to People Pleasing
Meet Lisa, the perfectionist people-pleaser. She sets impossibly high standards for herself. She believes that only by being perfect can she gain the approval and love of others. Lisa is someone who agonizes over her work. She is so meticulous that she will edit every sentence. Yet she observes her colleagues breezing through the same task.
When we combing perfectionism and people-pleasing, it can be exhausting and self-defeating. Often you end up alienating others with your own unattainable expectations.
People-Pleasing in Relationships
We have focused a lot on work relationships thus far. But let’s also talk about how people-pleasing can wreak havoc in relationships. When you prioritize the wants and needs of your partner, resentment and unhappiness may follow. Let’s meet Tom and Sarah, a couple who’ve had their share of people-pleasing problems:
Tom would do anything for Sarah. He will even go on hikes and watching hours of reality TV. Both of these things he despises and feels drained by. He loves her, but he’s been sacrificing his own interests and passions for the sake of their relationship.
Sarah, in turn, feels guilty about all the things Tom does for her. She notices that he’s not enjoying himself but keeps saying yes to please her. The guilt gnaws at her, making her wonder if she’s being fair to him.
How Do I Break Free from People-Pleasing
So, how can you break free from the clutches of people-pleasing and regain control of your life?
Here are some strategies to help you find your voice:
Self-awareness: The first step is recognizing your people-pleasing behaviors. Take a moment to reflect on when and why you say “yes” when you really want to say “no.”
Practice saying “no”: Start with small, low-stakes situations. Politely decline an invitation you’re not interested in. Take a moment to notice how it feels to assert yourself.
Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries in your personal and professional life. Communicate your limits and priorities to others, and don’t be afraid to enforce them.
Learn to be assertive: Assertiveness means expressing your needs, opinions, and feelings in a respectful manner. Assertiveness also means you’re acknowledging the other person’s perspective. But you’re prioritizing your needs.
Self-compassion: Be kind to yourself. Remember that it’s okay to make mistakes or disappoint others from time to time. You’re human, and your worth is not defined by making everyone happy.
Seek support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your people-pleasing tendencies. They can offer guidance and support as you work on breaking free from this habit.
Cultivating Authenticity and Fulfillment to Expel People Pleasing
Here’s what you can expect as you shed the people-pleaser patterns:
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You’ll have more time and energy to explore your interests, passions, and values. You’ll rediscover the things that truly matter to you.
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Authenticity is the cornerstone of genuine, meaningful connections. By being true to yourself, you’ll attract people who appreciate you for who you are, not for what you can do for them. Your relationships will become more fulfilling and less one-sided.
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As you practice assertiveness and set healthy boundaries, your confidence will grow. You’ll trust yourself to make decisions that align with your values.
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People-pleasing can be a constant source of stress. When you stop trying to meet everyone else’s expectations, you’ll find peace and relief in just being yourself. Your well-being will thank you.
Embrace Your Authentic Self by Dispelling People Pleasing
Remember, breaking free from people-pleasing doesn’t mean you have to become a “No” person all the time. It means you have the power to choose when and how to say “yes” or “no” based on your values and priorities. It’s about honoring your own needs while respecting the needs of others. It’s a journey toward self-discovery, personal growth, and the nurturing of genuine, meaningful relationships.
So, let’s make a pact to put authenticity above approval. The next time you’re tempted to fall into the people-pleasing trap, pause, and ask yourself, “Is this what I truly want, or am I doing it to please someone else?” Your voice, your values, and your authentic self deserve to shine through. It’s time to reclaim your narrative, one “no” at a time, and embrace the incredible adventure of being unapologetically you.
If you’re still struggling to find the balance, give us a call. Our therapists at Outside the Norm Counseling work with clients of all ages struggling with people pleasing. We can support you in making these changes in a supportive environment.
