Why Shouldn’t I Aim to be Positive All the Time?

Written by: Taylor Aiona, LCSW 118192

 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the following statements in my office. “I just want to be more positive!” “I want to see the positivity in everything.” “Can you help me stop being so negative?” “Can’t I just change my mindset and get rid of my depression?”

When you’re struggling with depression, this is the support you might hear. It’s bullshit. Excuse me for cussing but it is! I have a visceral reaction when I hear my client’s have heard this over and over again. This is what we call toxic positivity. It’s not the savior to depression. It can have the opposite effect and make your depressive symptoms increase. Let’s talk about it.

The Pressure to “Just Be Positive” Increases Depression

Picture this: You’re going through a tough time. You’re feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. You muster up the courage to open up to a friend, a family member, or even a co-worker. You’re hoping for or expecting some empathy and understanding. Instead, you’re met with a well-intentioned but misguided, “Just be positive! Everything happens for a reason!” YUCK!

Toxic positivity is the idea that we should maintain a positive mindset at all times. Regardless of our circumstances. It’s the notion that everything in life should be viewed through rose-colored glasses. The idea that any negativity or struggle should be swept under the rug. Or we can pretend it doesn’t exist. Sounds good, right? Well, not quite.

What is the dark side of toxic positivity?

• Invalidation of Feelings
  • Imagine telling someone who is drowning in sadness they they should “just be positive.” It’s like telling someone with a broken leg to walk it off. Depression is a real and can be a debilitating condition. Downplaying it with toxic positivity only invalidates the individual’s experience. They may leave feeling unheard and dismissed. Further increasing their sadness and withdrawal.

• Burden of Masking Emotions
  
  • Putting on a happy face when you’re struggling inside is exhausting. It’s like trying to keep up with a performance that never truly reflects your emotional state. The pressure to be positive at all times can force individuals to hide their true feelings. This can lead to a sense of isolation and an increased burden on their mental health.

• Missed Opportunities for Growth
  • Sometimes, challenges and struggles provide opportunities for growth and learning. By dismissing negative experiences through toxic positivity, we may miss the chance to understand ourselves better. I don’t know what triggered me to sink into my sadness. I instead remind myself to “brush it off”. This lessens the chance for me to develop resilience or find constructive solutions.

Can you give me some examples of when I might be using toxic positivity?

• Parental Pressure
  • Consider a teenager going through a rough patch. They’re struggling with academic pressure or peer relationships. You tell your teenage, “Jut be positive and focus on the good things!” We know this is well-intended but it hits the mark. This oversimplifies the situation but also places unrealistic expectations on the teenager. They may question whether they can express their true emotions. Lessening the amount of safety your teen has in your relationship.

• Job Struggles
  • Imagine someone facing job-related stress. Your friend is dealing with a difficult boss or feeling unfulfilled in their career. A friend might chime in with, “Just be grateful you have a job! Positive vibes only!” Ignoring the legitimate concerns and frustrations doesn’t provide a supportive environment. Yes, gratitude is important. But not something to bring up in this moment.

How To Avoid Toxic Positivity and Be Empathetic About Depression

• Encourage Open Communication
  • Stop pushing for a positive facade. Create a space for open and honest communication. Let your loved ones, especially children, know that it’s okay to express their true feelings. Encourage them to share their thoughts without fear of judgment. You want to foster an environment where emotions are acknowledged and accepted.

    

• Practice Active Listening
  • When someone opens up about their struggles, be present and listen actively. This means we avoid jumping in with solutions or platitudes. Ask the person, “How can I support you right now?” Sometimes, all a person needs is to feel heard and understood. For parents, this means putting aside your perception of how your child “should” feel and simply being there to support them.

• Provide Practical Support
  • Instead of relying on empty positive affirmations, offer tangible support. This could mean helping with daily tasks. Maybe even simply spending quality time together. Practical support goes a long way. It shows that you genuinely care about the well-being of your loved ones.

• Educate Yourself
  • Take the time to educate yourself about depression and mental health. Understanding the complexities of these issues can help you approach them with empathy and sensitivity. For parents, this knowledge equips you to guide your children through their struggles with patience and understanding.

What do I do now that I know about the dangers of toxic positivity?

Now you know what not to do for others. What we do next is do this for ourselves. And let’s be real, this is the hardest part! If you’re in the Temecula area or in California, give us a call. Our therapists are equipped to provide you with empathy and understanding. We strive ourselves on busting away these cliches that don’t support you or your journey.