Help! I Have a Difficult Child and I Don’t Know What to Do
By: Taylor Aiona, LCSW 118192
Parenting is a challenging and rewarding journey. However, it can become even more demanding when you find yourself raising a “difficult” child. Your child may be defiant, temperamental, emotionally reactive, or simply refuses to conform to your expectations. The journey can often feel like an uphill battle. Remember that children that are more challenging often possess unique qualities. When those qualities are nurtured correctly, they can lead to incredible outcomes. It doesn’t take away from how challenging it is in the moment though! We are going to explore how to raise a difficult child. I will provide practical strategies with examples, and a new perspective on parenting.
Disclaimer: The examples provided are if things go as planned with the parenting tool.
Reframe Difficult Characteristics as a Their Strengths
Difficult children are not a lost cause. They’re unique and different than we had dreamed about when we dreamed of being a parent. That is hard for anyone to process. It does not make you a terrible parent for having these thoughts. We can shift our dreams though.
It’s important when raising a child that challenges us to recognize and embrace their individuality. Instead of trying to fit them into a mold. We want to acknowledge and celebrate their distinct traits and characteristics.
Example: Sarah is a single mother. She struggled with her son Max’s constant questions and relentless curiosity. Max’s insatiable appetite for knowledge often left her feeling overwhelmed. Instead of stifling Max’s curiosity, Sarah enrolled him in science and art classes. These classes allowed him to explore his interests. As a result, this played on his strengths and he found a love for astronomy.
Set Clear Boundaries with Your Child
Children will test boundaries as is! If you have a challeging child, they may test boundaries more often. Being flexible is important becaue we don’t want to be rigid. Yet, consistent boundaries are crucial for their emotional and behavioral development. Clearly communicate rules, consequences, and expectations, and be prepared to enforce them. When we give in due to a child’s intense reactions or defiance, we reinforce that our boundaries are not required.
Example: John had a teenage daughter, Emily, who frequently pushed boundaries. She stayed out past curfew with friends. John set clear curfew rules and discussed the consequences of breaking them with Emily. Unfortunately, John faced a few difficult nights where Emily came home late. Therefore, John consistently enforced the rules. This eventually led to Emily respecting the boundaries and coming home on time.
Provide Your Child with a Space in Which You’re Active Listening
Active listening is a fundamental skill in parenting a challenging child. Often, children act out because they feel misunderstood or unheard. We build trust and empathy by listening to their concerns, frustrations, and emotions. Active listening requires us to push our perspectives and opinions aside. If you’re struggling with this try to restate what we’re hearing. After ask if you understood based off your reflection.
Example: Lisa’s son, Ethan, had a hard time adjusting to a new school. He frequently acted out in class and at home, leading Lisa to seek the help of a child therapist. During therapy sessions, Lisa learned to actively listen to Ethan’s worries and fears. This helped Lisa address his concerns and support his transition. This promoted a more peaceful household with less conflict.
Teach Emotional Intelligence to Your Children
Children may struggle to express and manage their emotions effectively. I struggled with this growing up and wasn’t taught how to manage my distress well. Children experience emotional dysregulation to a level you may not have imagined. As a parent, you can help them by teaching emotional intelligence and regulation. Encourage your child to identify and express their feelings. Then provide tools to manage anger, frustration, or anxiety.
Example: James and Sarah had a daughter, Lily, who often had temper tantrums. They didn’t want to punish her for having emotions. They started teaching her simple techniques like deep breathing and counting to ten to help manage her emotions. They made sure to do them with her and use them when feeling overwhelmed themselves. As Lily practiced these skills, her tantrums began to reduce.
Be Patient and Consistent
Raising a child is a marathon, not a sprint. It requires patience and consistency in your parenting approach. Understand that behavioral changes take time, and setbacks are part of the process. Stay committed to your tools. I recommend for parents of children that fit these characteristics to receive their own therapy. As a parent, you deserve to have the space to share your frustrations and feel acknowledged. This may support you in having more flexibility with your patience.
Example: Mark and Maria’s son, Daniel, struggled with attention issues. Daniel’s teachers often complained about his inattentiveness. It seemed like there was little progress. They both engaged in therapy to process their own frustrations. Mark and Maria remained patient and worked with Daniel on improving his focus. Over time, with their support, Daniel made significant strides in school.
Is It Time to Seek Professional Help?
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, raising a difficult child may require professional assistance. This does not mean that you have failed as a parent. A therapist can provide valuable guidance and support to address any underlying issues.
Example: Paul and Laura were concerned about their son, Alex, who exhibited severe anxiety and a reluctance to socialize. They sought help from a thereapist who identified Alex’s social anxiety disorder. Through therapy and a supportive environment, Alex learned to cope with his anxiety. This allowed him to lead a more fulfilling life.
Does This Sound Like You and Your Child?
Raising a difficult child is often demanding and an emotionally charged experience. At the same time it’s an opportunity to help your child grow into a resilient, unique, and successful individual.
As you read through this, you recognized yourself in the examples. If you’re located in Temecula, California we can support you and your child through these challenges.
