Relationships play a part in our everyday reality. We have a relationship with our boss, colleagues, parents, friends, siblings and many more. Romantic relationships can often be a more difficult relationship to maintain because they are a mix of past experience and current expectations. They are a symbol of sacrifice and “forever” in the commitment realm and that is why they are complicated and full of unrealistic expectations. The expectations we set can somehow be blurred with the things we are willing to genuinely put up with if the person we meet checks off some of the boxes.
What is a red flag?
A red flag is any quality, value or perception of a person. Figuring if qualities and values and perceptions aligns with what every individual feels or thinks can be determined through some self-exploration. That exploration should include the list of values, beliefs and “hard no’s” we are not willing to compromise in. For example, if one individual believes in something spiritually higher than them but the other person doesn’t believe in that, it could be considered a red flag. Should they ignore it or leave that person? It all depends on the position or hierarchy that each value and belief plays in the life of every person.
What happens if you ignore it?
If you fail to assert your desires, the relationship outcome will not only be blamed on your partner but also on you. Many couples come to therapy seeking to fix their partner because they can no longer stand their way of being or they feel that they are not being understood. Changing someone is never a good place to start. Sometimes the partner had no idea that you felt disrespected by their tone or that you felt they lacked empathy if you never told them. An example of this is, mom just had a baby and she has been waking up every night to feed the baby or change a diaper. Mom starts to feel resentment towards dad because he is sleeping and doesn’t seem to wake up to help mom with a diaper change or simply to sooth the baby after mom has fed them. Although it would appear that the dad may lack common sense, they may simply not know that mom needs help with specific things. Maybe he thinks that since mom breastfeeds, there isn’t much he can do. WRONG. Dads can definitely help with soothing and rocking back to sleep after a good feed. Mom just has to make sure to communicate that and not EXPECT that Dad just knows he should help.
Communication matters and understanding the red flags can often be deciphered when people learn to communicate. Don’t marry or get together with someone hoping that one day they will become the person you always wanted them to be. Find that person before that decision is made. Life changing choices require hard decisions. It could be difficult to say no to that guy or girl who makes you laugh and lacks all the other qualities you look for in a partner. After 10 years of being together and the person you picked still hasn’t learned to anticipate your needs, laughing won’t be enough to keep you together.
