Written by: Taylor Aiona, LCSW 118192
Being a parent comes with its fair share of challenges. One of these challenges might be dealing with your child’s choice of friends. Naturally, you want what’s best for your kids and worry about the influence their friends may have on them. But what do you do when you don’t like their friends? This is a common dillemma for parents. We’re going to role play with some some examples in this post. I will also provide guidance for parents facing this challenge.
Understanding Your Own Concerns About Your Child’s Friends
The first step in addressing this issue is to understand why you may not like your child’s friends. There could be various reasons for your mistrust. It’s important to pinpoint them for you to address the situation effectively. Some common concerns parents may have include:
- Values and Behavior
If your child’s friends display behavior that goes against your family’s values. It is natural to have concern when you see this. For example, if your child’s friend is disrespectful to teachers or engages in risky behavior. You may worry what this influence your child to do.
- Negative Impact
You believe that your child’s friends are impacting their behavior, attitude, or academic performance. If you notice a decline in your child’s grades or a change in their behavior after spending time with a particular friend, it can be a cause for concern.
- Communication Gap
Sometimes, parents and kids may have a significant communication gap. If your child’s friends belong to a different age group, share different interests, or come from a different cultural background, you may not understand or relate to them.
Examples of Challenging Friendships
Let’s delve into a few examples to illustrate the challenges that parents may face when it comes to their child’s friendships:
What do I do if my child has a rebellious friend I don’t approve of?
Imagine your teenager has befriended someone who seems to be a bit of a rebel. They skip school, engage in risky activities, and have an attitude you don’t like. It would make sense to worry that your child would pick up these behaviors. You begin to think it could lead them down a dangerous path.
My kid has friends who are older and this can’t be good, right?
Your 12-year-old has become close to a 15-year-old neighbor. They enjoy spending time together. The neighbors’s interests and conversations are beyond your younger child’s age and maturity. You’re concerned that your child is being exposed to topics or experiences they’re not ready for.
My child has a new group of friends and now I’m left out of his life.
Your child has joined a new group of friends, and you feel like an outsider when they all hang out. They seem to have their own secret language and shared experiences. You don’t understand what’s going on. You now feel disconnected and unsure about their influence.
Now That I Know Why I Don’t Like My Kid’s Friends, What do I do?
- Open Communication
The cornerstone of addressing any parenting issue is open communication. Talk to your child about your concerns. Be sure to listen to their perspective. Encourage them to share what they like about their friends. Explore the importance of these friendships.
Example: “I’ve noticed that you’ve been spending a lot of time with your new friend. I’m concerned about some of the things I’ve seen. Can you tell me what you like about your friendship with them?”
- Get to Know Their Friend
- Try to get to know your child’s friends better. Invite them over, engage in conversations, and understand their interests and values. This will help you form a more informed opinion about whether your concerns are valid.
Example: “Why don’t you invite your friend over for a movie night? I’d love to get to know them better.”
- Set Boundaries
- It’s crucial to set clear boundaries for your child when it comes to friendships. Discuss what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable. Explain your reasons for these rules.
Example: “I want you to have friends, but I also want you to be safe and make good choices. So, I expect you to be home by PM on school nights.”
- Encourage Healthy Friendships
- If your child’s friends have a negative impact, gently guide them towards healthier friendships. You don’t want to be forceful or you can alienate yourself. Suggest opportunities for your child to meet new people. Explore what values and interests your child wants to align with. Then address any concerns that don’t match the family’s values.
Example: “I’ve noticed that your grades have been slipping since you started hanging out with this group. I don’t know if they’re causing the decline. I am wondering, what do you think about joining a club? Or joining team where you can meet kids who share your interests and support your academic goals?”
- Trust Your Parental Instincts
- Sometimes, your concerns are justified. If you feel strongly that your child’s friends are having a detrimental effect, trust your parental instinct. Take necessary actions to protect your child’s well-being if it’s needed.
Example: “I’ve seen too many red flags with your friend’s behavior, and I can’t allow it to continue. We’ll need to limit your time together.”
Support is Available if You Don’t Trust Your Kid’s Friends
You’ve read through this post and evaluated your “why”. You now understand what concerns you about your kid’s friends. You’ve noticed that your child’s friendships are causing severe problems. Your child is now struggling with their mental health or engaging in substance use. It’s crucil to seek professional guidance from a therapist. At Outside the Norm Counseling, our therapists are experienced in working with families and children. Check out our therapists and see if any met your needs. We have an in person office in Temecula, CA. We also work with any clients in the state of California through virtual services. A couple clinicians are licensed in other states. We are here to support you and your child navigate new challenges.
