You open up to your partner about feeling disconnected, and they change the subject.
You try to talk to a friend about how something hurt you, and they shut down or get defensive.
You ask for help from a family member, and somehow, the conversation becomes all about them.

Naturally, you start wondering: Are they narcissists?

It’s a fair question—and a popular one in the age of TikTok therapy and Instagram infographics. But here’s the thing: Not every self-focused or emotionally distant behavior is narcissism. Sometimes, it’s avoidance. And knowing the difference can save you a lot of stress, second-guessing, and confusion.

As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I help clients untangle this all the time—especially women navigating complex relationships with partners, parents, or exes. Let’s break it down.

First, What Is Narcissism, Really?

We’re not talking about the casual “he’s such a narcissist” type of comment. True narcissistic traits fall under the umbrella of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which includes patterns like:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• A need for excessive admiration
• Lack of empathy
• Manipulative behavior
• Difficulty handling criticism
• Viewing relationships as transactional or exploitative

Narcissism is often about control, entitlement, and self-image maintenance. People with strong narcissistic traits tend to lack emotional attunement and often use others as tools to meet their own needs.

But here’s the kicker: Narcissism isn’t the only reason someone might seem cold, distant, or self-absorbed.

Avoidant Behavior Isn’t the Same Thing

Someone who is emotionally avoidant might:

• Shut down when things get intense
• Change the subject when feelings come up
• Struggle to offer comfort or empathy
• Pull away instead of engaging in conflict
• Act like they don’t care when really, they’re overwhelmed

Avoidant behaviors are often rooted in attachment wounds, not a desire to manipulate or harm. Many emotionally avoidant people grew up in environments where vulnerability wasn’t safe or supported. Over time, they learned to protect themselves by staying “above” the emotional fray.

It’s not personal—it’s patterned.

Narcissism vs. Avoidance: Spotting the Difference

Let’s look at a few key distinctions to help you tell the difference.

1. Emotional Safety vs. Emotional Control

• Avoidant: Pulls away to feel safe. Emotions feel threatening, and distance is a protective reflex.
• Narcissist: Controls the emotional climate to stay superior. Emotions are a threat to their image or authority.

2. Lack of Empathy vs. Empathy Overload

• Avoidant: May have empathy but doesn’t know how to express it or feels overwhelmed by it.
• Narcissist: Genuinely lacks empathy or uses faux empathy as a manipulation tool.

3. Conflict Avoidance vs. Conflict Escalation

• Avoidant: Fears conflict and may ghost, shut down, or deflect.
• Narcissist: May provoke, gaslight, or twist conflict to make themselves the victim or hero.

4. Self-Protection vs. Self-Inflation

• Avoidant: Withdraws to avoid pain or rejection.
• Narcissist: Inflates their ego to mask insecurity or dominate the dynamic.

In short, avoidant people often don’t know how to connect, while narcissistic people often don’t care to. That distinction matters.

Why This Matters (Especially in Close Relationships)

If you’ve been in a relationship where your needs aren’t met, your boundaries are ignored, or your feelings are dismissed, you may feel like you’re going crazy trying to decode the other person.

You might ask yourself:

• Am I being gaslit or are they just uncomfortable with emotion?
• Are they intentionally hurting me or emotionally unavailable?
• Is this relationship fixable, or is it fundamentally unsafe?

Therapy can help you stop spinning in circles around those questions. Because whether it’s narcissism or avoidance, you still deserve support. But the approach—and the potential outcome—can look very different depending on which one you’re dealing with.

Can Avoidant People Change?

Yes—if they’re willing. People with avoidant attachment styles can learn how to regulate emotion, communicate more openly, and build deeper intimacy. But it takes time, effort, and often, therapy.

You can’t force someone to be emotionally available. But if your partner (or parent, or friend) shows a genuine desire to grow, there’s hope.

With narcissism, change is much harder. Because it requires accountability, vulnerability, and sustained introspection—three things most narcissists actively avoid.

What You Actually Need

You don’t need to diagnose the people around you to know something feels off.

You don’t need a label to set a boundary.
You don’t need a confirmation to trust your gut.
You don’t need to be perfect to deserve healthy love.

Whether you’re healing from a narcissistic relationship, trying to navigate emotional distance with a loved one, or wondering if you might be defaulting to avoidance—you don’t have to do it alone.

At Outside the Norm Counseling, we help you get clarity on the dynamics that are draining you. We’ll work with you to identify patterns, restore your emotional boundaries, and rebuild trust in your own voice—so you stop second-guessing what you know deep down.

You’re Not Overreacting. You’re Finally Seeing It Clearly.

Let’s help you sort the difference between unhealthy behavior and unhealed wounds—and figure out what you need to move forward.

Call 951-395-3288 to book your in-person or telehealth session, or visit
👉 https://outsidethenormcounseling.com/contact/

Because clarity is power.
And you deserve relationships that feel safe, not like emotional detective work.