Family is the mold that shapes the way we feel and perceive the world. Family affects how we react to conflict and how we cope with the hardships that come our way. As a clinician, I often find that the client’s I see have had the misfortune of being raised in a dysfunctional household and they’ve realized that they are not happy with the way they’ve been treated and they learned the hard way that there’s a lot of relearning they’ve had to do as a person. They also establish that they hold unrealistic expectations of others in their families. Particularly when they’ve been hurt by other members of the family.
Unrealistic Expectations
It’s an amazing feeling to be able to willingly work on all the faults that you’ve had and all the things you wish you could have done and said in the past. Perhaps you were taught to be passive and never stand up for yourself. Maybe you were physically abused or neglected and no one ever said sorry and so you lived life in similar experiences until now. In some cases you even continue to have a relationship with your dysfunctional parents or siblings and you have all learned to remain amicable as long as you don’t rehash the past. Rehashing the past would cause fights, disagreements or anything but what you expected.
Change as an individual is amazing. It does not mean that those around you will change as much as you did. If the expectation is that, then you will most likely be let down. Instead you need to ask yourself, why do I need to hear then say sorry? What do I think our relationship will be like then? Will it be close? Will they see how much I hurt? Although validation is needed, it is always important to measure whether your validation can be fulfilled or given by the person who hurt you and have it mean as much as you’ve expected it to mean.
Realistic Expectations
As I mentioned above, many of the times our expectations are not met it’s because they are unrealistic. Instead of expectations, I teach my client’s about empowered choices. I weigh the costs and benefits of their expectations and I encourage them to look within themselves and determine if they want to continue to seek validation from mom and dad or siblings. Perhaps all the client needed was to process how much they wished things had been different at home and that they had been different as individuals sooner. They often realize they no longer need to seek validation from their family, and they learn that the family may never change and so they can choose to walk away permanently, manage the time spent and choose to create the family they’ve always wanted elsewhere.
Healing is a process and it takes time to make major decisions about whether or not you want to keep somebody in your life. I encourage you to seek a clinical professional to help you process major life changes and help you improve your quality of life.
By Jessica Rose
