As a mom, nothing feels worse than constant arguments with your teen. You didn’t envision your relationship would look like this—tense, filled with misunderstandings, and sometimes complete silence. You feel guilty, wondering if you’ve done something wrong or failed as a parent. You desperately want change, not just for yourself, but for your child. You want to build trust, create a safe space, and nurture a relationship that feels more like a connection than a battle.
The truth is, parenting teens is hard, especially in today’s world of constant distractions and pressures. But the good news? Change is possible. With the right tools and support, you can learn to communicate effectively, even during the most challenging moments. Therapy, especially when grounded in evidence-based approaches like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), offers powerful strategies to help you and your teen reconnect.
Your marriage is struggling. You feel like you’re failing as a mom, and despite your best efforts, your husband refuses to join you in therapy. Sound familiar? You’re not alone, and there’s more to this resistance than meets the eye. Let’s break down why men avoid therapy, the dangers of waiting too long, and how you can take the lead in creating a healthier, more connected relationship—even if he’s not on board yet. Listen on Apple. Listen on Spotify. Listen on YouTube.
Why Therapy is Essential for Better Communication
Therapy isn’t about fixing a problem; it’s about learning skills that help you navigate the challenges of parenting. When you model healthy self-regulation and effective communication, you’re teaching your teen to do the same. At Outside The Norm Counseling, we help moms and teens develop practical tools to reduce conflict, build emotional awareness, and create meaningful connections.
Let’s walk through some DBT techniques and explore 10 effective ways to communicate with your teen without fighting.
1. Start with Emotion Regulation: Regulate Yourself Before You React
When emotions are running high, it’s easy to say something you’ll regret. DBT emphasizes the importance of regulating your emotions before responding.
Example Skill: STOP
- Stop: Pause the conversation when emotions start escalating.
- Take a step back: Remove yourself from the situation momentarily.
- Observe: Notice your feelings and thoughts without judgment.
- Proceed: Return to the conversation when you feel calmer.
Why it Works: When you model emotional regulation, your teen learns it’s okay to pause and process their feelings too. This creates space for a more thoughtful, productive discussion.
2. Validate Their Feelings
Teens want to feel heard and understood, even if you don’t agree with their perspective. Validation doesn’t mean you’re endorsing their choices—it means acknowledging their emotions.
Example:
Teen: “I hate school. It’s so stressful!”
You: “It sounds like school has been overwhelming for you lately. That must be really hard.”
Why it Works: Validation calms the emotional intensity, making your teen more likely to open up rather than shutting down.
3. Use “I” Statements Instead of “You” Statements
Blame shuts down communication. Instead, express your feelings using “I” statements to avoid putting your teen on the defensive.
Example:
- Instead of: “You never listen to me!”
- Try: “I feel frustrated when I don’t feel heard. Can we work on this together?”
Why it Works: “I” statements encourage collaboration rather than conflict.
4. Practice Active Listening
Put down your phone, make eye contact, and give your teen your full attention. Repeat back what they say to show you understand.
Example:
Teen: “I feel like you don’t trust me.”
You: “You feel like I don’t trust you. Can you tell me more about that?”
Why it Works: Active listening demonstrates respect and fosters deeper conversations.
5. Teach and Use Wise Mind
DBT introduces the concept of Wise Mind—the balance between Emotional Mind (driven by feelings) and Rational Mind (driven by logic). Wise Mind is where thoughtful decisions happen.
Example Skill: Wise Mind Practice
- When your teen is upset, guide them to take a few deep breaths and ask:
- “What is my emotional mind saying right now?”
- “What is my rational mind saying?”
- “What would my Wise Mind do in this situation?”
Why it Works: Teaching Wise Mind helps teens navigate their emotions and make balanced choices.
6. Set Clear Boundaries with Compassion
Boundaries aren’t about control; they’re about creating safety and structure. Be firm yet empathetic when setting limits.
Example:
- “I understand you want to stay out late, but curfew is 10 PM. We can talk about extending it if you show responsibility.”
Why it Works: Clear boundaries reduce power struggles and provide consistency.
7. Focus on Problem-Solving Together
Involve your teen in finding solutions rather than dictating them. This gives them a sense of ownership and accountability.
Example:
Teen: “I hate doing chores!”
You: “I hear you. Let’s figure out a way to make it more manageable. Maybe we can create a chore schedule together.”
Why it Works: Collaborative problem-solving fosters teamwork and mutual respect.
8. Use DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
DBT teaches strategies for balancing your needs with your teen’s while maintaining respect.
Example Skill: DEAR MAN
- Describe: State the facts.
- Express: Share your feelings.
- Assert: Clearly ask for what you need.
- Reinforce: Highlight the benefits of your request.
- Mindful: Stay focused on the goal.
- Appear Confident: Maintain a calm tone and body language.
- Negotiate: Be open to compromise.
Why it Works: DEAR MAN helps you communicate effectively without escalating conflict.
9. Acknowledge Your Own Mistakes
Admitting when you’re wrong teaches humility and accountability.
Example:
- “I’m sorry I raised my voice earlier. I was feeling overwhelmed, but that’s not an excuse. I’ll work on staying calmer.”
Why it Works: Owning your mistakes shows your teen it’s okay to be imperfect and to take responsibility for their actions.
10. Celebrate Small Wins
Acknowledge positive changes, no matter how small. This reinforces good behavior and builds your teen’s confidence.
Example:
- “I noticed you cleaned your room without me asking. I really appreciate that!”
Why it Works: Positive reinforcement strengthens your connection and encourages cooperation.
How Therapy Can Help You Communicate Effectively
Therapy provides a safe space to learn and practice these communication skills. At Outside The Norm Counseling, we use evidence-based approaches like CBT and DBT to help moms and teens build stronger relationships.
In Therapy, You’ll Learn:
- How to regulate your emotions during high-stress moments.
- Practical tools for improving communication and reducing conflict.
- Strategies for modeling healthy self-regulation, so your teen learns by example.
Our therapists guide you every step of the way, helping you and your teen feel more connected, understood, and supported.
Final Thoughts: Connection Over Conflict
Improving communication with your teen takes time and effort, but it’s one of the most rewarding investments you can make. By using these 10 strategies and seeking professional support when needed, you can foster a relationship built on trust, respect, and understanding.
At Outside The Norm Counseling, we’re here to help you navigate this journey. Whether you’re looking for individual therapy, family counseling, or DBT/CBT support, our team is ready to guide you.
Ready to start building a stronger connection with your teen?
Contact Outside The Norm Counseling today to schedule a session and take the first step toward lasting change.
About the Author
Veronica Cisneros, LMFT, is a passionate licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of Outside The Norm Counseling in Temecula, California. As a high-achieving working mom herself, Veronica deeply understands the challenges mothers face when it comes to balancing relationships, parenting, and personal growth.
Veronica specializes in empowering women to break generational cycles, communicate effectively, and create stronger connections with their children. With her relatable, no-nonsense approach, she’s on a mission to provide moms with actionable tools that truly heal—not just “Band-Aids” for life’s struggles.
When she’s not working with families or hosting her popular podcast, Empowered and Unapologetic, Veronica is busy being a mom to her three daughters, navigating the joys and challenges of motherhood firsthand. She believes in practicing what she preaches, modeling emotional regulation, and fostering meaningful communication at home.
Want to learn more about Veronica’s work?
Visit Outside The Norm Counseling to explore how her team can support you on your journey toward healthier, happier relationships.
