Helping Kids Adjust to the Holidays After Divorce: A Guide for Moms

For many moms, divorce means a huge shift in family dynamics, especially during the holidays. These are usually times of joy, tradition, and togetherness, but now they may feel loaded with stress, guilt, and anxiety. Your kids might feel torn between two homes, unsure how to act or where to fit in, and they may even feel guilty about enjoying time with one parent over the other. As a mom, you’re likely juggling your own emotions while trying to make the holidays special for them. But you don’t have to do this alone. This guide offers actionable tips to help you and your kids find some peace and joy in the holiday season.

At Outside the Norm Counseling, we support families through the many emotional challenges that come with divorce. With compassionate care and practical tools, we’re here to help both you and your kids navigate the holidays with a little more ease.

 

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Does the thought of navigating holiday finances with your ex make you want to run for cover? The holidays, which used to be filled with joy and tradition, can now feel like a minefield of tension and dread. Splitting expenses with someone you no longer trust can bring up every fear and anxiety, especially when your kids are caught in the middle.

But here’s the thing—I’m here to walk through this with you. We’re not just tackling budgets and logistics today; we’re unpacking the emotional weight behind these challenges. Why do we, as women, feel like we have to hold everything together, even when it’s tearing us apart? And how can we show up for ourselves and our families without compromising our sanity? Listen on Apple. Listen on Spotify. Listen on YouTube.

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Understanding Your Child’s Perspective

Divorce affects everyone differently, but it can be especially tough on kids. During the holidays, children often feel divided between two parents, wondering if it’s okay to enjoy the holiday with one without hurting the other. They may also struggle with sadness, confusion, and a sense of loss. Understanding these feelings is the first step toward supporting your child.

Common Emotional Reactions in Kids After Divorce

1. Guilt: Kids may feel responsible for the divorce or worry about “choosing sides” during the holidays.
2. Anxiety: The pressure to keep everyone happy can create stress, especially if they sense tension between parents.
3. Sadness or Loss: They may mourn the way things used to be, feeling a sense of grief over family traditions that no longer look the same.

How to Talk to Your Kids About Holiday Plans

When it comes to the holidays, communication with your kids is key. Help them understand that it’s okay to enjoy time with both parents and that their feelings are valid.

1. Be Open and Reassuring: Let your kids know they don’t need to pick sides. Tell them it’s okay to have fun with both you and their other parent. Saying, “You’re allowed to enjoy time with both of us” can ease their anxiety.
2. Give Them a Voice: Ask your kids how they feel about the holiday plans. This lets them know they have a say and helps you understand their concerns. For example, you could ask, “Is there anything you’d like to do this year that would make the holidays feel special?”
3. Avoid Putting Pressure on Them: Remember, your kids are trying to figure out where they fit in all this change. Avoid making them feel responsible for anyone’s happiness. Let them know they’re allowed to enjoy themselves without worrying about you or their other parent.

Create New Traditions and Memories

While it’s natural to feel sad about traditions that may no longer be possible, the holidays offer an opportunity to create new memories with your children. Starting new traditions can give your family something positive to look forward to.

1. Start a New Holiday Tradition: Whether it’s decorating cookies, watching a favorite holiday movie, or taking a walk to see Christmas lights, find activities that bring you closer. This can help build new, joyful memories.
2. Focus on Quality Time, Not Perfection: Holidays don’t have to be picture-perfect. Focus on spending quality time together, even if things don’t go exactly as planned. These moments of genuine connection are what your kids will remember most.
3. Embrace Small Celebrations: If big gatherings feel overwhelming, consider smaller, more intimate celebrations. Maybe a quiet morning opening gifts together or a special dinner at home is just what you need to create a cozy and comforting holiday.

Coping with Your Own Emotions During the Holidays

It’s normal for you, as a mom, to experience your own set of emotions during the holidays after divorce. You may feel lonely, frustrated, or even resentful, especially if your kids spend part of the holiday with their other parent. Here are ways to handle these feelings:

1. Acknowledge Your Emotions: Give yourself permission to feel sad, angry, or lonely. You’re going through a significant life change, and it’s okay to grieve the loss of past traditions and the way things used to be.
2. Practice Self-Compassion: Divorce brings a lot of pressure, especially for high-achieving women who feel they have to handle everything alone. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can. Be as kind to yourself as you would to a friend going through a similar situation.
3. Find Moments for Yourself: Amid the hustle of the holiday season, carve out time for yourself. This might mean a quiet evening with a good book, a walk in nature, or even a therapy session to talk through your feelings. Your well-being matters, too.
4. Are You Asking Too Much of Yourself? During the holidays, it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to do everything. But are you asking yourself to do more than what’s humanly possible? Take a close look at your tasks and commitments. Are they reasonable? 

For high-achieving women, it’s common to push through, even if the load feels overwhelming. But the holidays after a divorce are a time for extra grace. Ask yourself if the expectations you’re setting are truly manageable, or if you’re pushing yourself too hard. Give yourself permission to simplify and focus on what truly matters.

• Practice Saying No to Avoid Overwhelm: With all the pressures of the holidays, it’s essential to set boundaries. If a commitment feels too much, practice saying no. This isn’t selfish—it’s self-care. Avoiding things that will cause you unnecessary stress and overwhelm allows you to be fully present with your kids and enjoy the moments you’re creating together.

When you take control of your schedule, you set a powerful example for your children about the importance of balance and self-respect.

 

Explore Our Therapy Services to learn more about support options at Outside the Norm Counseling.

Helping Your Kids Feel Comfortable with Both Parents

Kids may feel torn between parents after a divorce, especially when both are involved in holiday plans. Here’s how you can make it easier for them to navigate these mixed feelings.

1. Encourage Open Communication: Let your children express how they feel about spending time with each parent. Reassure them that it’s okay to enjoy time with each of you, without worrying about hurting anyone’s feelings.
2. Avoid Negative Talk: Even if there’s tension between you and your ex, try to keep negative comments out of conversations with your kids. They’ll feel more comfortable and less torn if they don’t have to worry about pleasing one parent or the other.
3. Focus on Their Happiness: Show your kids that their happiness is what matters most. Letting them know they’re free to enjoy time with both parents without guilt can give them the reassurance they need to truly relax and have fun.

When to Seek Professional Support for Your Kids

Sometimes, the challenges of navigating the holidays after divorce can lead to stress or emotional struggles in children. If your child is showing signs of anxiety, sadness, or withdrawal, consider reaching out for professional support.

At Outside the Norm Counseling, we provide a safe, supportive space for kids and teens to explore their feelings and learn coping skills. Therapy can give them the tools they need to feel secure and valued, even during times of change.

Practical Tips for Managing Holiday Stress

1. Set Boundaries with Family and Friends: It’s okay to decline holiday invitations if you feel they’ll add stress for you or your kids. Protect your family’s peace and create a holiday season that feels right for you.
2. Stay Present: Rather than focusing on what could have been, try to stay grounded in the present. Notice small moments of joy, whether it’s a laugh shared with your child or a quiet moment by the fire. Being present can bring a sense of peace.
3. Plan Ahead to Avoid Last-Minute Stress: Planning holiday activities and time with family in advance can reduce stress for you and your kids. Talk to your ex about plans in advance, if possible, so your kids don’t feel caught in the middle.

Embracing a New Holiday Season

The first holiday season after a divorce can feel difficult, but it’s also an opportunity to redefine traditions and create new memories. You and your kids are building a new normal, and that’s okay. With understanding, patience, and a focus on connection, you can make the holidays a time of peace and joy—even in the midst of change.

If you or your kids need extra support this holiday season, Outside the Norm Counseling is here to help. We offer compassionate therapy services for individuals, families, and children who are navigating life after divorce. Let us help you find ways to reconnect, heal, and embrace the holidays with renewed hope.

Counseling in California

At Outside The Norm Counseling, we understand the immense emotional strain navigating the holidays after a divorce. We know how heartbreaking it is to want to create memorable experiences for your kids while facing the harsh reality of emotional limitations. But remember, this challenging time also offers a chance to redefine what the holidays mean for your family. It’s about love, connection, and creating moments.

Our therapists specialize in helping women and families not only cope but thrive through major life transitions. We’re here for working moms, women healing from infidelity, and those dealing with the complexities of single parenthood. In addition to supporting families through divorce and, we also work with clients facing anxiety, depression, trauma, couples therapy, and much more.

We provide both in-person and virtual counseling services across California, from Temecula to Corona, Murrieta, Canyon Lake, Wildomar, and beyond.

About the Author

Veronica Cisneros, LMFT, is the founder of Outside The Norm Counseling in Temecula, California. With a deep passion for empowering women, Veronica specializes in helping high-achieving moms and wives navigate the complexities of relationships, motherhood, and personal growth. Her approach is anything but surface-level; she believes in getting to the root of issues and providing actionable skills for lasting transformation. When she’s not counseling, Veronica is hosting her podcast, Empowered and Unapologetic, where she inspires women to live authentically and unapologetically.